Yep, it’s that important.
There are few, if any, aspects of infant/toddler development more important than the child’s attachment relationship to his parent or other primary caregiver. Secure attachment provides a healthy and secure base for the child to learn how to appropriately respect, relate to, and interact with others.
“But,” you wonder, “what exactly is attachment?”
Attachment theory is credited to child psychiatrist, John Bowlby, and psychologist, Mary Ainsworth. To learn more about Bowlby and Ainsworth, click here. Here’s a very brief breakdown of what they discovered:
Attachment is the emotional bond that forms between an infant and her primary caregiver (typically the mother). An attachment figure provides the baby with feelings of security, comfort, consistency, and happiness. As the infant grows into a toddler, she uses her attachment figure as a secure base from which to explore the world she’s discovering. When the baby is separated from her attachment figure, she typically experiences distress and fear.
Secure attachment is what you want for your child. There are three other types of attachment: avoidant, ambivalent, and disorganized. These are insecure and unhealthy attachment patterns and often result in emotional issues in later childhood and adulthood. They are not conducive to optimal development. If you want to learn what these patterns look like, this website gives a brief breakdown of them.
In short, a secure attachment relationship during early childhood is crucial in order for your infant to develop healthy relationships over the course of the rest of his life.
No pressure, right? :-)
Relax. You are likely already engaging with your infant in ways that help create a secure attachment -- picking him up when he cries; feeding him when he’s hungry; changing his diapers; talking, reading, and singing to him; holding him (babies thrive when they have physical contact); and picking up on his cues. These things (the things you’re already doing...go you!!) are the best ways to create a secure attachment with your infant. As long as you are responding to your infant consistently, appropriately, and lovingly, you’ve got this attachment thing down. Click here to read, “Bonding with Your Baby,” (a great article!) for more information about ways to create a secure attachment with your infant.
Some people tend to believe that in order to foster independence in an infant or toddler, they must limit how quickly they respond to the infant’s needs and avoid consistently responding to all of their needs. They think they will “spoil” the baby. Actually, the opposite is true. Research proves that babies whose needs are met in consistent and loving ways develop a more positive self-image and become more independent and more secure adults than babies whose needs are met inconsistently or unreliably (who tend to act out in ways we might define as “spoiled”).
To sum up, I basically just told you that there is no such thing as holding your baby too much (as if you needed a reason to hold your baby) -- so go ahead and ignore those people who tell you you’re “spoiling” your infant or toddler...that’s really pretty hard to do. In several years you can prove them wrong anyway with the secure, independent, caring little human you’ve raised.
Great post, Nanci.
ReplyDeleteWhat's your opinion on letting children "cry it out" -- it's excruciating just letting my son cry himself to sleep (not to mention, I think it would be an unpleasant way to end the day), but until I started engaging in this practice he was incapable of self-soothing. Thoughts? Does this practice have a negative effect on secure attachment? Or are we attached enough at this point (he's 11 months) that it won't have an impact?
Hi Annie. Great question!
ReplyDeleteI understand it is frustrating to try to teach a child to go to sleep on his own and how heartbreaking it can be to let him “cry it out” -- also known as the Ferber method. You can click here to learn more about what all Ferber’s theory entails:
http://www.babycenter.com/0_the-ferber-methoddemystified_7755.bc
I am a huge advocate of the fact that every parent is the expert on his or her own child, so my biggest issue with Ferber is that he is so sure that his method will work for every family. He seems to express that if it’s not working for you and your baby, then you must be doing something wrong. That’s just not true. You’re not doing anything wrong. All babies are different and all parents are different; there is not one approach to sleep (or any other aspect of parenting) that is going to work for every baby and every parent. Ultimately, you know your child best and you have to decide what works best for you and your family.
Another issue I have with Ferber is that babies cry to communicate their needs; typically, if a baby is crying, it’s because he needs something. Babies have a need for physical contact and yes, maybe he’s just crying because he wants to be held. But how can we decide which needs are more important and warrant attention over others? For example, how do we know that the “I need to be held and soothed” cry isn’t just as important as the “I need to be fed” cry?
I obviously don’t know your son and I don’t know the dynamics of your relationship, but my initial response about letting him “cry it out” would be -- if it’s making you feel bad and it’s making him feel bad, then the Ferber method may not be the best approach for your family.
I, personally, am a fan of Dr. Sears. He is more open-minded to the fact that different approaches work for different families. Here is a link to his article, "31 Ways to Get Your Baby to Sleep and Stay Asleep":
http://www.askdrsears.com/topics/fussy-baby/31-ways-get-your-baby-sleep-and-stay-asleep.
Basically, he advocates helping the baby develop a healthy attitude about sleep (falling asleep and being on that “edge” between awake and asleep can actually be kind of a scary thing for young children), forming a trustful relationship with the parent, and following your instincts. I really like this excerpt about sleep training (the Ferber method is a form of sleep training) from the article I linked to above:
“On the surface, baby training sounds so liberating, but it's a short-term gain for a long-term loss. You lose the opportunity to get to know and become an expert in your baby. Baby loses the opportunity to build trust in his caregiving environment. You cease to value your own biological cues, your judgment, and instead follow the message of someone who has no biological attachment, nor investment, in your infant.”
To address your question about attachment -- at 11 months of age, your son’s attachment relationship is still forming and is pliable. It is important to provide responsive and consistent care so that he can maintain a secure attachment. As far as self-soothing, I tend to shy away from the belief of a "need" for it at such a young age. The idea that a baby needs to self-soothe is brought on largely by our society's belief in independence at a young age; the ability to self soothe is important, but it will develop when he is ready.
Like I said before, you are the expert on your own child and you have to do what you believe is best for your family. If you choose to continue the “cry it out” method, just be sure to “check in” with your baby every few minutes while he is crying to let him know you are there. You can find out more about that by reading the article about the Ferber method that I linked to at the beginning of the article.
Good luck! I’d be interested to hear what you decide and how it works for you. I hope this was helpful!
I like that Dr.Sears... thanks for the link!
ReplyDelete